You reap what you sow.

OK... I'm going to submit some stupid pop psychology here.. my 2c heck no make that 1c...

I will never understand why IT professionals (males in particular) are ranked so low on the social totem pole... along with the engineers who produce useful stuff that people use everyday yet they are under appreciated.

In my mind the following people are ranked from the highest to lowest...

A graded celebrities
B graded celebrities
Professional sports people
politicians
rich people
executives of public companies
people with the word "manager" in their job title
business owners
doctors
accountants
lawyers
real estate agents
taxi drivers
engineers
IT professionals
cleaners
unemployed people.


This is how I feel at the moment... why must I justify my reasons for being employed in the IT sector ????? it sucks really.

at the moment I seriously thinking about abandoning my masters degree.. I'm not sure if it's worth it really.  I should concentrate on my efforts in climbing the social totem pole.

Due to my mother's terminal illness I've realised that some things in life are just not worth pursuing.. and that how far down the social totem pole I am at the moment.  I've also realised that allot of people really hate my guts.. my interpreters don't really like me.. oh well.. at least they're polite and pretend to be nice to me.  It's too bad because one of the interpreters is cute and I'm attracted to her... it will never happen because ...

a. she prefers on of the lecturer over me
b. she will not consider me because of professional ethics
c. she personally doesn't like me.

I know I know I know.. this is a victim puke... and I know I'm to blame for this sorry state of affairs.

You know not once in my life someone has rang me up to just to say how I'm going etc etc.. you know the usual chit chat.  It's never happened.. and often I wonder why that is the case.  Perhaps it's because I'm real arsehole to heart or that I'm completely clueless in how to maintain personal relationships.

Even my own mother would rather spend time with her friends that with me... you see I was asked to look after her over the long weekend due to her terminal illness she is unable to look after herself.  Now all of my older siblings have gone on some well deserved holidays over long weekend and it was left to me to look after mum.  What did mum do ??? she preferred to spend time with her friends.  FUCK !!!!

Now I can easily rationalise this as a communication fuck up, no one told her (myself included) that I was supposed to look after her.  As a result... I'm feeling like this useless piece of shit who can't even look after his own mother.

I spoke to my mother last friday and told her that I was feeling useless... this was after she asked me if I would consider be present in a meeting to help plan her funeral.  Now this really fucked me up for the whole weekend.  Imagine helping plan for your mother's funeral while she is still alive... I can't concentrate on uni work at the moment because of this.  I wish I could take some time of to deal with this but I can't.

I've come to the realisation that I don't really know how to maintain relationships.. no one really taught me how to do it.  or rather I'm too lazy to learn how do it.

I recall a phone conversation with my sister a few weeks ago... after she visited mum while she was in hospital she thought she would not keep me in the loop because I had not called to ask after mum's welfare.. for a start no one told me that she was in hospital and no one told me how serious it was at the time.  She rang me one night to tell me the news... she told me that "I don't call my family to find out what is going on.. but then again they don't call me either".. it's a really shitty situation at the moment.  I think my sister understands slightly of what is going on.... it wasn't until she got back from England that she realised how distant I was from the family.  To be honest.. she was the only one who really made the effort to ask me how I was going etc etc etc...

Now you readers are going to kick my balls for saying this...............
I've learnt allot from this TV show called "My name is Earl".. it's about this guy to aspires to be a better person because of Karma.. basically he reasons that his life will be better if he starts helping other people out. Kinda like a covert contract really.  Well it's a fucking tv show..  but still it has a message behind it...

"you reap what you sow" is true really...

Another realisation is that I honestly believe that I'm not attractive to women.  For the following reasons...

1. I'm too short
2. I'm profoundly deaf (to be honest yes it does matter)
3. I'm boring
4. I have no personality at all
5. I'm completely fucked up..

yep... it's really nice to a slakbarsted aint it ??