I had tried to start reading more about Deaf history in my efforts to understand Audism and more importantly to try and understand where some of the prevailing attitudes Deafies have today.
Somehow I got sidetracked and started reading about Deaf Identity, and I do believe that it is indirectly related to Audism, Deaf history etc.
What got me thinking about my own Deaf Identity was the
Deaf Culture Online website. Especially this
article.
For most of my life this is where I struggled, to develop some intimacy with friends, family and of course with romantic entanglements. Partially because people wouldn't engage with me beyond superficial conversations.
What I mean by a superficial conversation is a conversation that goes beyond the "Hi How are you?", "How is work?", "How's Uni ?", 'What have you been up to? Oh right ok!".
That's it.. yep the majority of the time people couldn't really be bothered. Partially because I couldn't keep up in group conversations (which is where most the action occurs) and partially because communicating with me (pre-CI) was a real pain in the arse.
It's also worth noting that people also found it harder to communicate with me compared to communicating with hearing people. I think the expression "Lumped in the too hard basket" comes to mind about this bit.
Consequently I've always wondered what is this invisible barrier to meaningful relationships with people, was it my "deaf voice", the "too hard basket" syndrome ? I guess I'll never find out.
There are some really thought provoking articles on the Deaf Culture Online website, some of which had really cut close to the bone.
Talk about a bombshell!!
It made realise that, even at 30 years of age I still hadn't come to terms with my own deafness.
I had been hiding it, even at times have been ashamed of it.
I was stubborn, believed that I could lie to myself so I could operate in the hearing world.
In many ways I feel like I'm Vincent Freeman in the movie
Gattaca. Like me Vincent had tried everything he could to hide his "defects" or his "inferior" genes while persuing his dream to become an astronaut. His life seemed like a lonely one (except for his love interest), amongst a sea of the "elite" when he is an "Invalid".
In my case it was hiding my deafness in attempt to pass myself of as hearing, and I believe I did that so I could survive. I regularly practice talking to myself so I could catch myself mispronouncing a word and immediately correct myself. It's a habit I had developed over the years, it is all part of my effort to hide my deafness.
Unfortunately since getting a Cochlear implant in 2005, I've developed a slight paranoia about mispronouncing words. This little bit of info gives you an idea of what I go through in order to hide my deafness.
Recently I feel that I'm slowly gravitating towards the Deaf community (not just the Auslan community, but also the CI community) and have met some interesting people. This time round I feel that my social skills have developed a bit (since getting the CI, and forcing myself to go to blogmeets with the Sam and the City crowd.), and hopefully I won't make a complete mess of it.
Anyway back to me being deaf, I had also realised that I had viewed deafness in a negative light, as a disability and consequently believed I was "defective". Not exactly empowering stuff is it ?
I had failed to realised that I could have used it to empower myself, as a means to motivate myself to do better.
Not any more...
my name is slakbarsted and I am deaf.
further reading:A beautiful post about Deaf identityPowered by ScribeFire.
